@MichaelGoffLA: "Engagement" can mean either planning to marry or initiating combat. Coincidence?
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@withanewname: "Five year plan?" [shuffles papers] ...written down here somewhere ... Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
@Sean_Burgundy_: Waitress: Would you prefer your order with a side of fries or salad? Me: Would you prefer your tip with cash or advice?
@geowizzacist: My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out. Me (looks): I can't see anything in there. 3: That's because I flushed.
@Michael1979: Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead (mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)