All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
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Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Facebook Twitter
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
My therapist after every session
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro