[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
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When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions