[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
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Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Tammy is short for Tamuel
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?