[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
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Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
For those that worship cheese..
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Ugh but profoundly
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose