Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
You Might Also Like
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.