Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
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Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*