Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
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My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Realize this:
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.