I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
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*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
6. me as a lawyer
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
The “research” scene in every horror movie
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.