@tylerschmall: England's gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
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@chimneyspotter: WAITER: How is everything? ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning W: I meant your meal M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
@MrPudmansButler: If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe's poker table you're too mature for me.
@GBRougecity: "What a nice doggie." "I'll have you know it's not a doggie but a pure bred." "YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!"
@thenoahkinsey: Me: So if I call Canada it's billed as international? Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country. Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.