England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
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US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Jokes on them. I took 10.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.