England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
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I identify as an antique shop.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Schrödinger’s cookie
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
This took me a second..
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.