[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
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And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars