English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
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[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
How I’d get arrested…
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.