English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
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Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
i think both sides are to blame here
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Great Canadian literature.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision