English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
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Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶