Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
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Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
*seductively corrects your posture*
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?