@mommywhines: Enjoyed 3 minutes and 42 seconds of extra sleep this morning by letting my kids stay up 5 hours past their bedtime
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@BDGarp: I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
@JhonRules: *dumps Gatorade on an alligator* How does your family taste you green piece of shit
@stealingyergirl: [first day as a psychic] Boss: You're fired. Me: Man, I did not see that coming. Boss: And now you know why.
@nedprice: Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community's analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.