@mommywhines: Enjoyed 3 minutes and 42 seconds of extra sleep this morning by letting my kids stay up 5 hours past their bedtime
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@WilliamAder: I'm forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: what’s going on? ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
@robdelaney: Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
@JermHimselfish: I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like "Pick up milk" or "Pay gas bill" or "Stop wasting your life away"