“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
You Might Also Like
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I’m giving up for Lent.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it