@mommywhines: Enjoyed 3 minutes and 42 seconds of extra sleep this morning by letting my kids stay up 5 hours past their bedtime
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@slimmy_shady: Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven't met my kids.
@CakeThrottle: My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say 'It's so cold out!' and I say 'It's winter' and then we silently hate each other.
@dreamthievin: Give me a break, ouija board. I don't need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.