@mommywhines: Enjoyed 3 minutes and 42 seconds of extra sleep this morning by letting my kids stay up 5 hours past their bedtime
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@jjax44: I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
@SharkJelly: "Hey honey" *drags a cigarette* "have you ever" *drinks some scotch* "slept with a guy" *sucks a lollipop* "with three arms?"
@VaguelyFunnyDan: When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
@conanobrienswyf: All out of clean spoons so I guess I'll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.