me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
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*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy: