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i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
constantly working on myself.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?