Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
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I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.