@bigmacher: "Enjoying your day off?" - what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
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@Mr_Kapowski: *wears a tuxedo tshirt to interview as a joke* McDonald's Manager: Oh wow, are you from corporate?
@Jesus_M_Christ: That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
@psinerd: When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say "Sure".
@gwatts77: A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.