@bigmacher: "Enjoying your day off?" - what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
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@cwhudson: [at a loud bar] HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS? HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
@Marlebean: 4: Mommy, you're just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend. Me: Aww! Sure! 4:You can be the Beast. Me: ... 4: Or the fat sea witch!
@Book_Krazy: Just because your kid says, "You're my hero" does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
@QwertyJones3: We need a name for our store that shows we're on the cutting edge of technology. "How about Radio Shack?" Perfect.