Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
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20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.