@notseriouslyamy: Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
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@jenniferfralic: Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
@BobScottCPA: But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal please—it's a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing
@Elizasoul80: [trial] Judge: how do you plead? "not guilty" J: but you've admitted to dropping an anvil on him. "he asked me to make him a pancake"
@VeryLonelyLuke: I got mad at a rock today. I chopped it in half with my lightsaber. Now there are two rocks. Send help. Now.