Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
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13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back