Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
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[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?