Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
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I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.