M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
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[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Practicing safe sax
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision