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My work here is don’t.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.