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“336Hours”
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Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
This is why I hate group projects
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.