ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
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Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
🤣🤣🤣
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.