ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
You Might Also Like
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.