one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
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Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.