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“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Finally!
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
A choir of Spring onions
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
✌🏽