I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
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Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Mistakes were made
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
What an awful time to have common sense.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.