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daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
road rage
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.