This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
You Might Also Like
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
The USS B port
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW