[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
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I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Seems legit
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*