[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
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Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
peak technology
Bond. Trauma bond.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid