“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
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George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
How can I say no to this ?
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*