[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
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me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
best first i’ve ever seen
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.