I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
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i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato