*feels the wind in my toe hair
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Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.