[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
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I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do