[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
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Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
definitely did not do anything wrong
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
pep talk