[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
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On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Ha
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam