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@IamEveryDayPpl: *enters contest*
Contest: "Wrong hole."
@FilthyRichmond: I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, "Ha! I didn't amount to anything! In your face!"
@2tickytacky: When someone yells "Fire!" at my house, I'll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
@michaelianblack: Now that my kids are getting older, I'm worried I'll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
@NJPsychDoc: My stages of drunk:
1. You're UGLY
2. You're HOT
3. You're BEAUTIFUL
4. Your HONOR in my defense......
@Brianhopecomedy: Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.