*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
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[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”