@secondofhername: Why there can't be an Indian Breaking Bad.

@Shot_Of_Cabo: My daughter found a new boyfriend. I'm just glad the police haven't found the old one.

@pineappleiheart: If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that's still a sports injury, right?

@djdarrellripley: Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments. Me: Yes, but do go on...

@cjwerleman: Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.