I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
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I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I bet
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail