[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
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7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”