[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
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I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.