Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
You Might Also Like
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face