You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
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it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?