@KevinFarzad: ENTRY-LEVEL JOB OPENING: Minimum 3 years exp required. Must speak 4 languages, have 2 Olympic medals & a reference letter from Barack Obama.
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@GrumpyBahr: People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there's faster ways to commit suicide?
@truegritrumble: DATE: Let’s go to your place. ME: We'll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car* DATE: ... ME: Just kidding. DATE: Oh, thank God. ME: I don’t have a place. I'm homeless.
@TjSmooth0: I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I'm worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.