GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
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I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I unironically love this joke.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now